My husband and I chose to have an elective ultrasound right before Christmas last year to find out the gender of our baby. We asked the technician to keep it a secret while she scanned my belly (although I was certain she was seeing what I already knew to be true, definitely a boy). She gave us a CD of the images and told us she had noted on the last slide what the sex of our baby was. We took the CD home and opened it together later that evening when we celebrated our Christmas together.
When we got to the last image and I saw "It's a girl!" written on the screen I looked at my husband and burst into tears. How could it be? We had been lovingly referring to our little one as "buddy", "little guy", "champ" and not to mention all of the old wives tales pointing to it being a boy....I was in shock. At one point, I remember thinking how glad I was that we had chosen to find out the sex of our baby before the birth because had I reacted like that at the hospital when the doctor shouted "it's a girl!", I would have probably been paid a visit by DEFAX.
I realize now I was crying not because I was sad or upset but because I was terrified. What kind of a Mommy would I be to a little girl? What kind of a relationship would we have? How would I ever survive her teenage years? Prom? First dates? Dresses and hair bows, ballet and ponytails, I was beyond petrified.
I felt like a terrible mother and person for being so upset. I felt guilty for not immediately being thankful for the fact we had a healthy baby and even more guilty for admitting openly that I was disappointed. After a good half an hour of tears, my sweet husband told me he had seen "It's a girl" on the computer screen while we were having the ultrasound and knowing how upset I would be, was scared to show me the CD (which is why he was 2 hours late coming home that evening!). He then whispered to me that secretly he had always wanted a little girl and he had all the confidence in the world that I could do this, that I could find a part of me I didn't think was there. Together we would give this little girl our souls and she would delight us in ways we couldn't imagine.
He was right. (and I hate admitting that, ever.)
As soon as I accepted that our sweet little girl was growing inside me (and after I apologized profusely to her for referring to her as a boy for 17 weeks), something began to change.
My heart melted at the thought of ballet shoes, pigtails and kisses. My soul leaped at the thought of my husband dancing with her at her wedding. My fear, although still present, was slowly giving way to excitement. I could do this and I was determined to take my fear and use it to find the best in myself that I could, in turn, offer to our sweet little girl.
Sugar and spice and everything nice....that's what little girls are made of indeed, and so much more!
From the very moment I heard her cry, from the first time I held her and looked into those loving eyes, I knew this was how it was supposed to be.
In her, I saw pieces of me and of my husband. In her, I felt such pride and gratefulness that she had chosen me for her Mommy. I felt so unbelievably scared, yet calling her "my daughter" were the most natural words I have ever spoken. I felt undeserved of such an amazing gift and I knew I would cherish it more than anything before or after....she was my sweet, happy girl, the apple of her Daddy's eye.
With every snuggle, every coo, and every cry I was able to comfort, she slowly melted my fears. She was perfect, she is my everything. As if she is a wise old soul she often looks at me like "Don't worry Mommy, we can do it and you and I will both be fine."
She was exactly what I never knew I wanted or thought I needed - she brings out the best in me and has no idea how thankful I am for the pink.....the bows.....the ballet slippers.
Sugar and spice is more than nice; it's surprisingly, wonderfully, amazingly, perfectly suited for this Mommy.
In honor of the beautiful sugar and spice in my life, you will find a recipe for a delicious Pumpkin Spice Smoothie below (pictures to come later this week). Enjoy!
Pumpkin Spice Smoothie
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Blend Time: 1 minute
1 Cup Canned Pumpkin
1 Cup Frozen Apricot
1 Cup Organic Vanilla Greek Yogurt
1 Teaspoon Cinnamon
1/2 Teaspoon Nutmeg
1/2 Teaspoon Ground Cloves
2 Tablespoons Light Agave Nectar
1 Cup Ice
- Combine all ingredients in blender
- Blend on medium speed until smooth (approximately 1 minute)
- Serve immediately, enjoy!